Shock me shock me

Last night something surprising happened to the husband and I.

It's no secret that we are having a hard time having kids. I'm past the point of being coy about it. If someone asks if we have children or when we are going to have kids I'm very blunt with the fact that we can't and that we most likely will have to do invetro. It's just easier then tiptoeing around the subject. We've talked to the husbands parents about this as well. We've told them how much the procedure is going to cost and the fact that there is no guarantees.

Their suggestion for us: Maybe you should start a website to get donations from people online. Umm not really the road we were wanting to go. And they tell us this AFTER they get a large inheratance from her mother. And they have bought a brand new truck and a camper. Not once did they offer to help us with the procedure. It's been a sour spot with my husband for a long time. He feels that his family doesn't want to be an active part in our life. They only visit when we ask them over. We have scheduled days that we have dinner once a month. And when he sees my family and how close we are it's hurtful for him. But I try to remind him it's a two way street and if he wants his family to be more open and inviting he needs to be as well.

Back to our surprise. My mother in law had called on Sunday wishing me a Happy Birthday but I didn't get to the phone in time. So all I got was a message. I called her back last night to plan a day to get together for Cake and Ice Cream. We stopped having dinner with them once a month due to our overwhelming schedule. So it's been a few months since we've seen them last. At the end of the conversation she mentioned that she had a question for me. She wanted to help with our invetro. I was beyond shocked. I know my husband was too proud to ask his parents and I didn't think it was my place to ask them. So to have her offer money was shocking to say the least. So we talked for a while about what we were trying right now. I told her that we had some money saved up and an estimated time to when we will begin. I couldn't give her an exact amount because we will do everything we can to pay as much as we can. But the fact that she will set aside money for us is wonderful. It also makes me feel guilty that we haven't visited them in a long time. And I think that we will need to start seeing them on more of a regular basis. The monthly dinners will be hard for us, but I think if we stop by every now an then it should do. And maybe if we start setting the example that visits are nice then they will visit us without a formal invitation.

30 more years

Last night the husband and I refinance our house.

I feel good about it.
It was the right time for it.
And I didn't cry once.

I'm a cryer when it comes to money issues. I cried when we were talking to loan officer about getting into our house, I cried when we talked to a salesman about our Jetta. But I didn't cry when taking to the refinance people. They made it so easy for us. I understood what they were talking about. I felt they cared enough to make us understand instead of throw numbers at us and tell us what we needed. With the debt that we consolidated, the $11,000 cash out that we needed and all the closing costs; we are saving over $500 a month. That totally rocks.

The $11,000 is to begin the invetro process. Before it was always something that we just talked about. But come Friday we'll actually have the money! It's really exciting and it's really scary! The husband still isn't 100% sure that we are going to do this. He's still hoping that the insemination works. But since this was suppose to be the month we tried insemination and I DIDN'T ovulate our chances aren't looking too good. Next month we'll try it with Chlomid and I really do hope it works. I'd much rather pay $500 for insemination then $20,000 for invetro. But with the doctors odds it's hard to feel hopeful.

The future is looking better for us and hopefully we'll have a kid (or two) in the next year.

Oh I wonder

Recently two of my cousins have gotten married. It's been 2 years since we've had a wedding in our family (on my mom's side of the family), 4 years since a wedding in my immediate family. Every time someone gets married I start getting paranoid. I just know that they are going to get pregnent right away and start popping out little ones.

* When my younger sister got married every time she was sick or tired; in my mind I wondered if she was pregnent. Was there something she wasn't telling me? As time went by and I realized that she had no intention of getting pregnent I started to worry less.

But now it's back. With my cousins newly married status I am back to wondering. Everytime his wife mentions that she's been sick or she's really tired I wonder.

It's not that I wouldn't be happy for them. I just want them to enjoy being married for a while before they get pregnent. I want neices and nephews, I think it would be fun to have kids at our family parties again. But not this soon. I'm sure they are all on birth control, it's not my place to ask though. It's not my decision when they should start a family. And I can't be selfish and want them not to have children just because we can't. Personally I wouldn't wish what we are going through on anyone. It's horrible to know that there is only a 60% chance of every having a baby through medical means.

So the reason for this post: nothing really just getting my thoughts out there. I hope that one day my cousins will have children... just not right now.

So now we know

I guess I need a follow up to my last blog post.

It's has been a crazy week.

Aside from Little Miss visiting, arranging a ride for her from the airport, meeting a fellow blogger, staying up till we were too tired to talk, going to lunch with her family, running errands (and can't forget the chocolates), taking her to meet a new friend, eating cheese fries, trying to get a good picture of us at temple square and finally waiting to make sure she makes it through security with her plant lucy (all of which made for a perfect weekend!) life has been very crazy and just in a jumble.

Not to go into too much detail -- we did find out from the doctor what our options were to have children. He recommends Invetro - and not just put the egg and sperm in a petri dish and let them have at it. But we have to inject the sperm directly into the egg. Yeah fun for us. Oh yeah and did I mention that it's $10,000 more then the normal $10,000 procedure? Yes that is at least $20,000 for us to have a child. ONE CHILD (if we are lucky twins). It's been an emotional week. Ask Little Miss with her crying because she had to leave, and me crying because every family that walked into the restaurant had at least 5 kids we made for quite a pair eating our cheesy fries.

So we have to figure out what is more important having children of our own or adoption.

It sucks to be given a 1-2% chance of ever concieving on our own, a 5-6% chance of concieving by insemination and a 60-70% chance with invetro. I'm sad, but not depressed. I think the past 4 years of "trying" has helped build up my acceptance for these results. I think I've put off getting tested because in the end I knew what the results would be. It will be a long journey regardless of the direction that we choose.

So really I just want to tell all the people out there that have kids to cherish them, love them. And even if they are terrors they are your little terror (lol). Your lucky, not everyone can have kids. And I've found a lot of people that fit into the same category that I am in now. Maybe it makes it easier to deal with knowing I'm not in it alone. And I have great friends who even though they don't understand they listen to me and let me cry when I need to.

Umm yeah didn't mean to make this post so serious and sad. But that's life right.